Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Sharing our hearts

I have struggled over this past year whether to write this post or not. I kept saying 'no, that's too personal, I will share once its over', but really it was just my fear of being completely honest and letting people in to the deepest part of my heart, and I need to trust God that that is what He calls us to sometimes. 
The reason I knew this is b/c a good friend of mine, Taylor, told me about her friends blog that shares a story like ours. (you can read it here) I was directed to this blog back in the summer and I remember how comforting it was to read someone else's story and all the emotions they had (that were much like ours) and the encouragement that came from reading how God truly worked in their lives. 

Well, if you haven't figured it out by now, Jordan and I have been trying
 to start a family. I always thought when I graduated HS
 (and knew I was marrying my HS sweetheart:) that I would 
have children young (and many of them!) 
b/c we both always wanted a large family. Then when 
God revealed to Jordan that he should be a doctor, 
we knew that path would have to be put on hold,
 so we made a 'plan' that in his 2nd year we would start 'trying'. 
Up until this past year I just thought :"ok cool, so I'll have kids
 when I'm 25, that will be great!".
Well, apparently God doesn't work that way.

We started trying in January of 2011, and we thought 
we could potentially have our baby by at least Christmas of this year, 
and obviously that was not in God's plan. 
If I was to go month by month and tell you all the things we
 struggled with and learned from God each month, 
it might as well be a book, 
so I will give the shortened version to catch everyone up to speed.

From January-June we tried naturally, and after nothing happened, 
b/c of our age, we prayed about it, and decided to see a fertility
 specialist, and realized that for now, we will need some help
with fertility treatments.
 And with that came many questions:
(why would God do this? 
What does this mean long term?
 Is it going to be hard every time we want a child?
  and the list goes on.)

In August, the Doctor recommended we try our first round of
medications, and with that came excitement, and a few side
effects, nothing major, and if all goes well,
we try and pray and wait.
I would have said then that was the 'hardest' month of trying
 b/c we were so hopeful with the new meds, but trust me, 
it was not. When mother nature showed up I went back to the
 Doctor and we learned the medication had helped but there
were some side effects that caused the lining to be too thin.

So, in September we decided to take a break for many reasons. 
1-we were emotionally just needing a break
2- Jordan and I had a vacation planned and a lot of family
 stuff going on, it would have been very difficult to 
make the appts and take medications, etc.
So, we still tried and prayed and waited, but again, nothing happened.

In October when I went back in to the Doctor, she said she wanted to
 try a different medicine and she thinks we would have
 better results on a different
 medicine that works exactly like the first one did,
except it doesn't affect your lining negatively. 
So I took that for 5 days. This time, she wanted to add 
on some different shots to help with some other things, and
then again we tried, we prayed and we waited and
..... praise God it worked!
We got pregnant! I cannot tell you the rush of 
emotions I had when I saw the positive test.
I was in the bathroom, and I was frustrated about how I was probably 
going to get another negative, but I just wanted to get it 'over with' so
 I took a test a few days early....and there it was.
I immediately fell to the ground on my knees and cried and
 prayed to God thanking Him for this wonderful gift. I went straight
 back to Jordans office and handed him the stick and said 'we did it!' 
and we both cried together and had such a special moment of joy. 
Over the next week I was for sure pregnant: I was exhausted 
and sleeping ALL the time, I was nauseous and starving all at the 
same time while having to pee every 5 seconds! =) 
I went in to the doctor and she had my bloodwork done.
That's when fear set in.
She said I was pregnant, but that my HCG level was 
very low and my progesterone was not 
what it should be at either. So they started me immediately
 on progesterone supplements. I took them twice a day and prayed to
 God that He would save this pregnancy and allow this baby to stay.
Jordan and I both were just pleading with God for it to work out.
But a few days later I went back in for blood work (to see if it was rising)
 and my HCG had dropped. I stopped the progesterone and then
 proceeded to wait for it to 'pass'. Since it was an early miscarriage,
 no d & c was needed.

I cannot describe all the emotions that were literally going
 on with me and then just for both of us for this to have happened.
 We knew it happens a lot, and that it was a possibility, but just had
never really thought about it before. It was such a devastation, 
and emotions from anger, to grief, to depression had all set in at 
one time or another. Then after about a week I heard the song
 by Gungor, 'Beautiful Things' (which if you haven't heard you
 need to go click the link after you're done reading and listen!) 
and realized that it was a beautiful thing that had happened. 
We DID get pregnant, and that in and of itself was a blessing
 and left us with so much hope for the future. It also brought us
 closer, and strengthened our walk with Him and gave us a new
 toolset to help others we may run into that may be hurting or have
 hurt in the past with the same things. And although I would never 
wish this on someone else, let alone myself, I know that one day I
 will look back and know that God did that b/c 
He makes all things work together for my good. 
(which you can hear the truth in that in this song by Jesus Culture here )

After reading a lot online about early miscarriages I found that
 most people got pregnant soon after, so we  decided to go ahead
 with another round of medications for 
November. We did the same process this time as directed, and
I will say, we were MORE than hopeful that this time would be the
 'one'. And I think in retrospect, it was me grasping at straws
 trying to get my baby back from last time. I know that sounds silly
 when I write it out, but that's what my thought was.
 I just need to be pregnant again I can't take the pain of it being
 taken from me. So my hopes were, 
I would say, a little too high. I was praying and crying to God, 
begging Him to let this be the one, but like many things 
we don't understand, God said no.
I think for me, this was by far the hardest one yet, b/c I hadn't
 really 'let go' of what happened last month. I thought I would 
get pregnant this month and the pain would go away, 
but when God said no, I realized I had to truly let go and trust that 
He will bring our needs in His timing.
We both have shed many tears and agonized over understanding
 His will for our life.During the past week I have loved the words in this
 song Just Cry and how it says :
 "It doesn't mean you don't trust Him, it doesn't mean you don't believe,
 it just means you don't know He's redeeming everything."

I love those words. Jordan and I have been praying and we
 know that God has a perfect plan, and while we fully understand 
now that we have no control, and no medicine, no doctor, and no 
ultrasound can tell us when the right time is, or when it will be, 
we know that God is in control, He is the creator and He 
will answer our prayer in His timing.

*I left out a lot of the names of  medications and specifics to the
 process and details about the fertility treatments.
However, if you are reading this and you would like to know more,
or get advice or just talk to me about the process, I would be more than happy to
share the details with you of what I have had done. You can email me at:
rachel.carl@yahoo.com

Here are some questions we wanted to answer:

Q: Have we considered adoption?
 Yes, of course. We would love to adopt. But for right now we are on this path, 
and He is teaching us to trust Him whole heartedly
 and we are continuing to follow His will.

Q: Will you continue to have fertility treatment? 
Yes and no. Right now for December, we are going to the Doctor to
see what is going on, and to talk about it, and we will go from there. 
We may take a break, we may try the meds again, but we will 
continue praying and seeking the Lords will as to what
 He would have us do as far as fertility treatments in the New Year.

Q: Will you continue updating us every month as to what's going on?
I will do my best. I like the thought of updating it regularly,
 but I think I may just wait and keep it ambiguous. 
Mainly b/c I don't like the idea of everyone knowing whats
 going on at every second, and plus I don't always have time to blog. 
So please don't think that b/c I don't update that means 
I'm pregnant or something. =) I will update about this when the Lord puts
 it on my heart to. I wrote this one b/c I really feel like there are some
 people that need to read this and find comfort in Him to
 know that He does work through these situations
 (even if it doesn't end how you might want) and I wrote it for that purpose
 and to update our family on what's going on, and
 b/c I know that God wanted me to be vulnerable about this and share
 it even though I may not be 'comfortable' in doing so.

Q: How can we pray for you both?
Please pray for patience, contentment and strength for Jordan and 
I as we seek the Lord's will and learn what it means to
 abandon our wants and trust in Him. 
Pray for comfort as this is such a personal issue that really 
strikes a cord deep in our hearts.
Please pray for physical healing, and when and if I am on medications, that my body
 will accept and respond well to those. 
And lastly, pray that He will show us what His will is for us
 in this time of 'waiting' and how we can truly worship and
 honor Him while we wait.

I love this sentence I read on my friends blog 
(with the exception of their last name written in)
that she wrote over a year ago that was going through this similar situation 
(and who just had her 1st baby last week):


Future Carl Baby, we love you.








9 comments:

Steph said...

Thank you for sharing, Rachel, so I can pray specifically when one of you comes to mind. Adoption is of course close to our hearts & has brought us immense joy, but I also know the sadness you feel as a woman, especially when those around you are having babies & you are not. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, & He heard me, & delivered me from all my fears. Praying for you both!

Amanda said...

Rachel, we will definitely be praying for you and Jordan. We love you both!

jordanandrachel said...

thank you stephanie, that means a lot, and i appreciate the prayers!

thanks amanda!! we appreciate it so much. looking forward to seeing you soon.

Ben, Abby and Abe Lowery said...

Oh, Rachel, know that I will be praying alongside you. Ben and I went through a similar thing after being married 3 years (minus the fertility treatments), and I still remember those emotions (and feel them from time to time still). I appreciate your sharing this, as I really needed to hear some of your journey of faith as we continue to wait on God's timing to bring Abe home & whether or not He will bless us with a biological child. Our plan is to begin trying again and explore our options once we get Abe home. You are not alone, and you are free to feel. I know the holidays can be especially hard when you're waiting on God's blessing of a child...and it can be equally hard as you see that dream realized for friends and family. Oh how I know the struggle of rejoicing with other friends & family members who become or are pregnant. We can rejoice with them from a genuine heart and still feel the sadness that comes with our own unfulfilled longings. Know that we love you & Jordan so, so much. You will be in our hearts and prayers as you continue down this path. I love you, sweet friend.

jordanandrachel said...

Abby,
Thank you or your honesty, I love the comments people are leaving and the encouragement it is bringing:) I am so happy for y'all in your journey and will be praying the next year brings you much joy. (and yes! It is a struggle to see others getting pg the same time as you losing one or not getting of at all;( but it does help me grow and look to other blessings:)

Rachel's Mom said...

My dear daughter Rachel, my heart goes out to you. I pray daily for the Lord to bless you & Jordan with children. I am very positive that our good & gracious Lord has a plan. He tells us in Jeremiah that he has a future & a hope for us. When the time comes, you will be an awesome mom! I love you dearly and am always here to support you in anything you need.

Life with the Ellwoods said...

Beautifully written.

Thank you for your sweet words regarding our story.

Remember, the Lord sees the big picture and is writing a beautiful story through you both individually and as a unit.

~Laura~ said...

Rachel,
I'm so glad you shared your story. You have been on my mind a lot since I saw you last weekend. I will definitely be praying for you and Jordan. I can only imagine how heart breaking this situation is for y'all and I pray that you find some peace and comfort from sharing your story.
Your faith is very encouraging and inspiring! Love ya! :)

jordanandrachel said...

Kristen and Laura,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and wisdom! It means SO much to know we are not alone in this and people are praying and thinking of us.
Many blessings back to you!