Sharing our hearts

I have struggled over this past year whether to write this post or not. I kept saying 'no, that's too personal, I will share once its over', but really it was just my fear of being completely honest and letting people in to the deepest part of my heart, and I need to trust God that that is what He calls us to sometimes. 

The reason I knew this is b/c a good friend of mine, Taylor, told me about her friends blog that shares a story like ours. (you can read it here) I was directed to this blog back in the summer and I remember how comforting it was to read someone else's story and all the emotions they had (that were much like ours) and the encouragement that came from reading how God truly worked in their lives. 

Well, if you haven't figured it out by now, Jordan and I have been trying

 to start a family. I always thought when I graduated HS

 (and knew I was marrying my HS sweetheart:) that I would 

have children young (and many of them!) 

b/c we both always wanted a large family. Then when 

God revealed to Jordan that he should be a doctor, 

we knew that path would have to be put on hold,

 so we made a 'plan' that in his 2nd year we would start 'trying'. 

Up until this past year I just thought :"ok cool, so I'll have kids

 when I'm 25, that will be great!".

Well, apparently God doesn't work that way.

We started trying in January of 2011, and we thought 

we could potentially have our baby by at least Christmas of this year, 

and obviously that was not in God's plan. 

If I was to go month by month and tell you all the things we

 struggled with and learned from God each month, 

it might as well be a book, 

so I will give the shortened version to catch everyone up to speed.

From January-June we tried naturally, and after nothing happened, 

b/c of our age, we prayed about it, and decided to see a fertility

 specialist, and realized that for now, we will need some help
with fertility treatments.
 And with that came many questions:
(why would God do this? 

What does this mean long term?

 Is it going to be hard every time we want a child?

  and the list goes on.)

In August, the Doctor recommended we try our first round of

medications, and with that came excitement, and a few side
effects, nothing major, and if all goes well,
we try and pray and wait.

I would have said then that was the 'hardest' month of trying

 b/c we were so hopeful with the new meds, but trust me, 

it was not. When mother nature showed up I went back to the

 Doctor and we learned the medication had helped but there
were some side effects that caused the lining to be too thin.

So, in September we decided to take a break for many reasons. 

1-we were emotionally just needing a break

2- Jordan and I had a vacation planned and a lot of family

 stuff going on, it would have been very difficult to 

make the appts and take medications, etc.

So, we still tried and prayed and waited, but again, nothing happened.

In October when I went back in to the Doctor, she said she wanted to

 try a different medicine and she thinks we would have
 better results on a different

 medicine that works exactly like the first one did,

except it doesn't affect your lining negatively. 

So I took that for 5 days. This time, she wanted to add 

on some different shots to help with some other things, and
then again we tried, we prayed and we waited and
..... praise God it worked!

We got pregnant! I cannot tell you the rush of 

emotions I had when I saw the positive test.

I was in the bathroom, and I was frustrated about how I was probably 

going to get another negative, but I just wanted to get it 'over with' so

 I took a test a few days early....and there it was.

I immediately fell to the ground on my knees and cried and

 prayed to God thanking Him for this wonderful gift. I went straight

 back to Jordans office and handed him the stick and said 'we did it!' 

and we both cried together and had such a special moment of joy. 

Over the next week I was for sure pregnant: I was exhausted 

and sleeping ALL the time, I was nauseous and starving all at the 

same time while having to pee every 5 seconds! =) 

I went in to the doctor and she had my bloodwork done.

That's when fear set in.

She said I was pregnant, but that my HCG level was 

very low and my progesterone was not 

what it should be at either. So they started me immediately

 on progesterone supplements. I took them twice a day and prayed to

 God that He would save this pregnancy and allow this baby to stay.

Jordan and I both were just pleading with God for it to work out.

But a few days later I went back in for blood work (to see if it was rising)

 and my HCG had dropped. I stopped the progesterone and then

 proceeded to wait for it to 'pass'. Since it was an early miscarriage,

 no d & c was needed.

I cannot describe all the emotions that were literally going

 on with me and then just for both of us for this to have happened.

 We knew it happens a lot, and that it was a possibility, but just had

never really thought about it before. It was such a devastation, 

and emotions from anger, to grief, to depression had all set in at 

one time or another. Then after about a week I heard the song

 by Gungor, 'Beautiful Things' (which if you haven't heard you

 need to go click the link after you're done reading and listen!) 

and realized that it was a beautiful thing that had happened. 

We DID get pregnant, and that in and of itself was a blessing

 and left us with so much hope for the future. It also brought us

 closer, and strengthened our walk with Him and gave us a new

 toolset to help others we may run into that may be hurting or have

 hurt in the past with the same things. And although I would never 

wish this on someone else, let alone myself, I know that one day I

 will look back and know that God did that b/c 

He makes all things work together for my good. 

(which you can hear the truth in that in this song by Jesus Culture here )

After reading a lot online about early miscarriages I found that

 most people got pregnant soon after, so we  decided to go ahead

 with another round of medications for 

November. We did the same process this time as directed, and

I will say, we were MORE than hopeful that this time would be the
 'one'. And I think in retrospect, it was me grasping at straws
 trying to get my baby back from last time. I know that sounds silly
 when I write it out, but that's what my thought was.
 I just need to be pregnant again I can't take the pain of it being
 taken from me. So my hopes were, 

I would say, a little too high. I was praying and crying to God, 

begging Him to let this be the one, but like many things 

we don't understand, God said no.

I think for me, this was by far the hardest one yet, b/c I hadn't

 really 'let go' of what happened last month. I thought I would 

get pregnant this month and the pain would go away, 

but when God said no, I realized I had to truly let go and trust that 

He will bring our needs in His timing.

We both have shed many tears and agonized over understanding
 His will for our life.During the past week I have loved the words in this
 song Just Cry and how it says :

 "It doesn't mean you don't trust Him, it doesn't mean you don't believe,

 it just means you don't know He's redeeming everything."

I love those words. Jordan and I have been praying and we

 know that God has a perfect plan, and while we fully understand 

now that we have no control, and no medicine, no doctor, and no 

ultrasound can tell us when the right time is, or when it will be, 

we know that God is in control, He is the creator and He 

will answer our prayer in His timing.

*I left out a lot of the names of  medications and specifics to the
 process and details about the fertility treatments.
However, if you are reading this and you would like to know more,
or get advice or just talk to me about the process, I would be more than happy to
share the details with you of what I have had done. You can email me at:
rachel.carl@yahoo.com

Here are some questions we wanted to answer:

Q: Have we considered adoption?

 Yes, of course. We would love to adopt. But for right now we are on this path, 

and He is teaching us to trust Him whole heartedly

 and we are continuing to follow His will.

Q: Will you continue to have fertility treatment? 

Yes and no. Right now for December, we are going to the Doctor to

see what is going on, and to talk about it, and we will go from there. 

We may take a break, we may try the meds again, but we will 

continue praying and seeking the Lords will as to what

 He would have us do as far as fertility treatments in the New Year.

Q: Will you continue updating us every month as to what's going on?

I will do my best. I like the thought of updating it regularly,

 but I think I may just wait and keep it ambiguous. 

Mainly b/c I don't like the idea of everyone knowing whats

 going on at every second, and plus I don't always have time to blog. 

So please don't think that b/c I don't update that means 

I'm pregnant or something. =) I will update about this when the Lord puts

 it on my heart to. I wrote this one b/c I really feel like there are some

 people that need to read this and find comfort in Him to

 know that He does work through these situations

 (even if it doesn't end how you might want) and I wrote it for that purpose

 and to update our family on what's going on, and

 b/c I know that God wanted me to be vulnerable about this and share

 it even though I may not be 'comfortable' in doing so.

Q: How can we pray for you both?

Please pray for patience, contentment and strength for Jordan and 

I as we seek the Lord's will and learn what it means to

 abandon our wants and trust in Him. 

Pray for comfort as this is such a personal issue that really 

strikes a cord deep in our hearts.

Please pray for physical healing, and when and if I am on medications, that my body

 will accept and respond well to those. 

And lastly, pray that He will show us what His will is for us

 in this time of 'waiting' and how we can truly worship and

 honor Him while we wait.

I love this sentence I read on my friends blog 

(with the exception of their last name written in)

that she wrote over a year ago that was going through this similar situation 

(and who just had her 1st baby last week):

Future Carl Baby, we love you.